This is going to be different from anything I’ve posted in the past, I’m going to get more personal than I have ever gotten on my blog and its not something I would normally post but I’m still not able to get out like everyone else and I am fighting one of the worst depressions I’ve had since my 20’s. I’m trying to find ways to pull myself out of the darkness so I thought maybe talking about it here might help.
According to the Mayo Clinic, “Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called a major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think, and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living.
More than just a case of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness and you can’t simply “snap out” of it.”
I think anyone that deals with depression would love to snap out of it or flip a switch to shut their emotions down until they can get them under control.
Not everyone experiences depression in the same way but I think everyone will agree that it can be your worst enemy. You can feel sadness, empty, lost all the time and it can make SL feel like one of the loneliest places in the world, but you can’t stay away because if you do you end up with too much time to think and that can be very, very bad. It can cause angry outbursts and frustration, even over the simplest things. It also causes trouble thinking, sorting things out logically in your head, concentrating, and making decisions.
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame, ding, ding, ding! We have a big winner with this one and its been in control for a bit.
All those that read this and go I told you so, yea you did and yea I know but maybe I kept pushing through because how do you fix this? How do you stop holding yourself accountable for the things you say or do? I hold myself to high standards, always want to do my best, and hate making mistakes but I’m human and humans make mistakes.
So basically my head is more than 50 shades of fucked up but I’m alive and that’s not gonna change anytime soon, I hope. I need to crawl out of the darkness and try to put all the pieces back together, while mentally doing better. Easy to say, harder to do but luckily I’ve been called the most stubborn woman a few people have met and I don’t give up easily so time to find my inner warrior again.
Time to find some glue, til next time, stay safe. ❤